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“What is this self inside us, this silent severe and speechless critic, who can terrorize us and urge us on to futile activity and in the end, judge us still more severely for the errors into which his own reproaches drove us?” (Eliot, 1959).
ICSE (Indian Certificate of Secondary Education) Board in India is considered one of the toughest route to obtain secondary qualification. My school followed this curriculum and I had an obsession to be better than my classmates, cause that’s what mindless competition had taught me. My batchmates were my measuring scale as they would be the ones my marks would be compared to, when the results were published. This insane one-upmanship helped me feel better about myself whenever I was doing better than others but the same measuring scale would remind me of my incompetence when I fell short and made me feel like a loser even when I was doing good. Neff and Davidson (2016), rightly stated that when we fail or make mistakes, we often relate to ourselves in a harsh, self-critical manner and routinely say things to ourselves that we would not say to a stranger or, in some cases, even someone we disliked. In retrospect, I realize I missed out on so many bonding moments with my classmates, had I measured myself more graciously.
We are habituated to self-criticism as a way of provoking and stimulating personal progress. As a result, we sometimes end up being underconfident about our abilities; our personal targets for what counts as standard can seem disappointingly out of reach, and we miss out on enjoying life along the way. To respond to this critic inside us, we must learn to stop unnecessarily judging and evaluating ourselves. Self compassion offers a powerful elixir to the inedible poison of the inner critic. We have to learn how we can use compassion to support our own personal development and equip others to take on the challenges of learning. There are few places in greater need of self-compassion than the academic realm as a student.
Self-compassion is not the same as going easy on ourselves or engaging in self-pity for past mistakes. Rather, self-compassion is a way of nurturing, supporting and protecting ourselves so that we can continue to be our best selves.
References
Eliot, T.S. (1959). (2004). The Elder Statesman. , p565-583, 19p. https://doi-org.ezproxy.tru.ca/10.1017/CBO9780511485466.025
Neff, K. D. & Davidson, O. (2016). Self-compassion: Embracing suffering with kindness.
As Shweta points out, while competitiveness is resourceful to push people and to lead improvement, it may also be the seed of inconformity, sadness and depression. Shweta mentions self-criticism as a tool to improve, and I understand that it can be used to push oneself harder. However, the edge is too sharp, and it is easy to overuse it to the point where motivation disappears.
An honest reflection in which the person values the efforts that involved any given activity and considers the results in relation to said efforts will better provide a balanced judgement. Completing such reflection requires a deep mindfulness practice to be able to live the moment and to be fair and not harsh with oneself.
I totally agree with you. Sometimes we are too lenient with others and too harsh with ourselves. Self-criticism is a common way to cope with difficulties, however, its impact can be negative. When individuals choose to be overly self-critical, they tend to bear a heavy psychological burden. Self-criticism not only reduces motivation and makes individuals doubt their own confidence, but also weakens self-control.
You made an excellent point on how our school systems can cultivate an atmosphere of competition, self-criticism, and a sense of separateness from peers. Being overly self-critical can undermine one’s self-confidence, so we need to cultivate self-compassion for ourselves. Carol Dweck talks about praising effort over results to instill a growth mindset for students rather than competition.