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Neff (2003) and Gilbert (2009, 2010) also state that in terms of the orientation of compassion, individuals can show understanding and compassion to others, experience compassion from others, and show understanding and compassion to themselves.
One of the disadvantages of living in a culture that emphasizes a culture of obedience, individual achievement, and perfectionism is that we have to blame ourselves when we fail to achieve our ideal goals. Our inner voice seems to say sometimes: You don’t deserve compassion!
The truth is that everyone is worthy of compassion. However, many people are resistant to the idea of self-compassion.
Research on compassion shows that some individuals, especially those with high levels of self-criticism, find it difficult, reluctant, and afraid to be compassionate and understanding for themselves and to receive compassion from others, and that these individuals may develop fear of compassion for themselves, fear of compassion for others, and fear of receiving compassion from others. (Rockilff, 2008, 2011; Longe et al., 2010; Gilbert et al., 2011; Gilbert, 2012).
Research shows that individuals who were not given enough love and attention by their parents or caregivers during childhood, were neglected, and were abused through humiliation behaviors, may experience fear of understanding and compassion towards themselves (Bowlby, 1980; Gilbert et al., 2011; Mikulincer and Shaver, 2007). These individuals tend to be overly self-critical. It is thought that this situation may become a major obstacle to the development of compassion for individuals.
I have been working on personal development issues for many years, but I still hear my inner critical voice first when I encounter situations that I find difficult. “Bilgi, you are still not good enough!”, “Bilgi, you still couldn’t do this job perfectly!”… There is no doubt that the tongue of self-criticism is as sharp as a knife! When I focus on the moment and think about what I need, I see the need for “self-acceptance”. In order to develop self-compassion, I first try to look at this critical voice as an observer and notice which part of my culture this voice comes from or whether it is the voice of my parents. I notice the sensations of this effect in my body. In the next stage, my body develops an understanding that this is not something I should be afraid of. However, after this stage, I meet my own values and begin to develop self-compassion. It is not as easy as written here:) Sometimes I may have to work with myself for a long time to achieve this.
Do you have any experiences on this subject? Where do you think this critical voice is coming from, if any? How do you help yourself in these moments?
1.Bowlby, J. (1980). Loss: Sadness and Depression. Attachment and loss (Vol. 3). London: Hogarth Press.
2.Gilbert, P. (2009). The Compassionate Mind: A New Approach to Life’s Challenges. London, NY: Constable & Robinson.
3.Gilbert, P. (2010). Compassion Focused Therapy: Distinctive Features. London, England: Routledge.
4.Gilbert, P., McEwan, K., Gibbons, L., Chotai, S., Duarte, J.& Matos, M. (2012). Fears of compassion and happiness in relation to alexithymia, mindfulness and self-criticism. Psychology and Psychotherapy, 84, 239-255.
5.Gilbert, P., McEwan, K., Matos, M.& Rivis, A. (2011). Fears of compassion: Development of three self-report measures. Psychology and Psychotherapy: Theory, Research and Practice, 84, 239-255.
6.Longe, O., Maratos, F. A., Gilbert, P., Evans, G., Volker, F., Rockliff, H., & Rippon, G. (2010). Having a word with yourself: Neural correlates of self-criticism and self-reassurance. NeuroImage, 49(2), 1849-1856.
7.Mikulincer, M. & Shaver, P.R. (2007). Attachment in Adulthood: Structure, Dynamics, and Change. New York: Guilford
8.Neff, K.D. (2003), Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85-101.
9.Rippon, G. (2010). Having a word with yourself: Neural correlates of selfcriticism and self-reassurance. NeuroImage, 49, 1849–1856.
10.Rockliff, H., Gilbert, P., McEwan, K., Lightman, S. & Glover, D. (2008). A pilot exploration of heart rate variability and salivary cortisol responses to compassion-focused imagery. Journal of Clinical Neuropsychiatry, 5, 132– 139.
11.Rockliff, H., Karl, A., McEwan, K., Gilbert, J., Matos, M. & Gilbert, P. (2011). Effects of intranasal oxytocin on compassion focused imagery. Emotion, 11, 1388- 1396.
I feel like I need some time to get grounded after reading your blog. Your piece has caused me to sit down and think, kudos to that! But why do I relate to it so much? Your comment about the sharpness of our tongue when it comes to self criticism struck me like a lightening. Even though it happens in the back of my head, reading it out loud was when reality hit me. I have always wondered if it was only me who thought like this, is it just me who has nothing to do in life? Is it just me who fails all the time? But recently I learned that I am not alone in this process. There is always room for learning (and miracles), and so we learn to be kind to ourselves. This very thought, I would say, has helped me remain sane.
I talk to myself when I’m alone. When criticism kicks in, I end up having debate sessions inside my head and “against the motion” mostly wins. Why is that? Like you said, is it because of our culture? Was I not taught better? Is it better to say that we are goal oriented, so much so that we do not give us a break to breathe?
I too face this deep thoughts and challenges. Sometimes, I find myself thinking and feeling I haven’t achieved a lot compared to my mates. Even when I want to venture into big projects, the fear of you can’t do it, people will look down on you keeps ringing in my head. How ever, I think this could be as a result of not believing in myself for the most part and succumbing to what will people say. Recently, I am beginning to change my perspective, love on myself and believe I can do great things regardless of what people will say and fight those inner fears.
Your words resonated with me as well. For those who are brought up with criticism find it especially difficult to accept their imperfections with self-compassion. It is not about accepting imperfections, the question is whether or not one can BEGIN to accept their imperfections. When the negative narrative is continually repeated, it becomes part of one’s identity and especially difficult to change. However, with time, practice, and patience, one can change that inner narrative to be more compassionate. I think the critical word here is “patience.”